this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
