We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
