There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
