He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
