people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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