Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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