i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
