I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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