OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
