A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I will pee on everything he values.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
