My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
