when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
This girl is more easily done than said...
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
