He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Houston, we have a blender
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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