Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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