Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
