were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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