We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
NoShamevember. You game?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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