Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
