I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
