what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Randomize
