That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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