you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
