I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
