We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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