i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
