Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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