last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Randomize
