I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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