if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
