Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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