1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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