just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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