Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
