Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
