she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
