and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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