I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
