they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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