I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
