Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
