Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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