I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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