i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
