I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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