somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
