My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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