puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
