6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
