I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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