The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You are the jesus of drinking
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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